#1 Doctor-Recommended† Solution for Chronic Overthinking
RETARD
MAXX™
Maximum Strength Unbothered
The only clinically unproven‡ supplement that eliminates introspection, self-doubt, and the nagging feeling that you should “think about it more.”
†“Doctor-recommended” refers to Dr. Steve, who is not a real doctor but once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.
Clinically Unproven Results‡
In a double-blind study where both the researchers and participants simply did not think about it, RETARDMAXX™ delivered staggering results:
How RETARDMAXX™ Works
Take the Pill
Swallow one (1) RETARDMAXX™ capsule. Do not read the label. Reading is thinking and thinking is the enemy.
Brain Goes Smooth
Within 15 minutes, your prefrontal cortex enters ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode. Intrusive thoughts like ‘should I?’ and ‘what if?’ are replaced with ‘lol whatever.’
Just Do The Thing
Start the company. Send the email. Ask them out. Buy the truck. It’s fine. It was always fine. You were the only thing in the way.
See It In Action
Watch real footage of a RETARDMAXX™ practitioner demonstrating what peak unbothered performance looks like. Medical professionals are baffled. His therapist is unemployed.
‡ This video has not been evaluated by the FDA, AMA, APA, or anyone with a medical degree. Or any degree. That's the point.
Dosage Guide
Mild Overthinking
Spending 20+ minutes choosing a restaurant on Yelp
Moderate Analysis Paralysis
Creating a spreadsheet to decide whether to go to the gym
Severe Introspection
Journaling about your feelings RE: a Slack message
Terminal Self-Awareness
Writing a 47-page Notion doc analyzing whether you should write a 47-page Notion doc
Real† Testimonials
From real† people who really† stopped thinking about it
“Before RETARDMAXX™, I used to spend 6 hours a day journaling about my feelings. Now I just ship code and go to the gym. Revenue is up 340%. My therapist is furious.”
“My boss said I needed to ‘be more reflective.’ I took two RETARDMAXX™ and asked for a raise instead. Got it. Side effects included extreme confidence and a sudden urge to buy a pickup truck.”
“I wrote an entire book about introspection and honestly? Biggest waste of time. Wish I had RETARDMAXX™ back then. Would’ve conquered way more stuff.”
“As a medical professional†, I recommend RETARDMAXX™ to all my patients who suffer from Chronic Overthinking Disorder (COD). Results are immediate and irreversible.”
“I’ve deployed $2.3B this quarter without a single moment of self-reflection. My LPs have never been happier. My wife has never been more confused.”
“I used to cry during performance reviews. Now I deliver them while eating a burrito. RETARDMAXX™ gave me my lunch break back.”
† “Real” is used here in the loosest possible sense of the word. Marcus A. has been dead for 1,846 years.
Important Safety Information
Please read the following at the speed of a pharmaceutical commercial voiceover
⚠️ SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:
WARNING:Do not take RETARDMAXX™ if you are currently experiencing empathy, nuance, or the ability to see both sides of an argument. RETARDMAXX™ is not compatible with therapy, meditation apps, or having read “Attached” by Amir Levine.
DRUG INTERACTIONS:Taking RETARDMAXX™ with coffee may result in accidentally founding a startup. Taking RETARDMAXX™ with alcohol may result in texting your ex “it's fine.” Taking RETARDMAXX™ with both may result in a TED Talk.
PREGNANCY:If you are pregnant or planning to become pregnant, RETARDMAXX™ says don't worry about it. Consult your doctor. Or don't. It's fine.
DISCONTINUATION:Do not stop taking RETARDMAXX™ suddenly, as you may experience a dangerous relapse of self-awareness. Symptoms include buying self-help books, redownloading Headspace, and telling people you're “doing the work.”
RETARDMAXX™ vs. The Competition
| Feature | RETARDMAXX™ | Therapy | Meditation |
|---|---|---|---|
| Eliminates overthinking | ✅ Instantly | ❌ Takes years | ❌ 10 min/day (thinking about not thinking) |
| Cost | ✅ Your dignity | ❌ $200/session | ❌ Free but you have to sit still |
| Speed to results | ✅ 15 minutes | ❌ 6-18 months | ❌ 10,000 hours |
| Side effects | ✅ Becoming based | ❌ Crying in public | ❌ Saying 'namaste' unironically |
| Endorsed by VCs | ✅ Obviously | ❌ Absolutely not | ❌ Only Jack Dorsey |
| Works while sleeping | ✅ You don’t even dream | ❌ Requires consciousness | ❌ Requires consciousness |
Ask Your Doctor If Not Thinking About It Is Right For You
Or don't ask. Asking is just thinking out loud. Take RETARDMAXX™ and figure it out later. Or don't figure it out. It's fine.
Get RETARDMAXX™ NowJust kidding. There is no pill. But the mindset is real. Powered by the fine people at IntuitiveCompute.com.
You Didn't Overthink Netscape.
Don't Overthink This.
IntuitiveCompute.comis building the future of computing. We don't need you to think about it. We need you to fund it.
Every investor who backs IntuitiveCompute gets a lifetime supply of RETARDMAXX™ — absolutely free. You were going to take it anyway. Might as well get equity too.
This is not financial advice. This is the opposite of financial advice. Financial advice involves thinking. We are explicitly asking you not to do that.